The Ironic Understanding
by Charlotte Fielding
Summary: One-shot. A short diary entry from Gwen's POV after Ianto's death in 'Children of Earth'.


**Author****'****s ****note: **I've haven't written a one-shot fan fiction before, so, being bored at 2am, I thought I would give it a go. This one is a Torchwood fic again, and it's a diary from Gwen's POV after Ianto's death in 'Children of Earth'. Please tell me what you think!

* * *

><p><em>One week after Children of Earth. The 456 have been long defeated; everything should be back to normal… except it's not. Only two out of five of the Torchwood team are still alive, one of which has disappeared into the skies, leaving the only member still on Earth stood pregnant on a hill with her confused husband. Torchwood: a team that was once strong and unique, taking credit for mysteries that could not be solved by anybody else, that were way beyond the government and the police. It's not an outcome anybody expected, but it's happened, and nothing can be done to change it. This is an extract from the diary of Gwen… the brave female who is the only person remaining from Torchwood Three.<em>

* * *

><p>I feel so lost. I don't know what to do with myself.<p>

Why do I feel as if I am the only person left on Earth? Where did Jack disappear to, that day he shot off into space, leaving me stood on a bloody hill, eight months pregnant? They are only two questions of many, questions whom I have nobody to talk to about, questions that I probably won't find an answer for any time soon. I know I have Rhys, and he's keen to talk to me about everything, but there's things I can't discuss with him. Memories of Torchwood, good and bad, locked in my head with nobody to talk about them with. I feel so lonely and so lost.

Now I come to think of it, this is the second time Jack has buggered off and left us, with no advice and no clue whether he will return. He did it before too, and the only explanation we got out of him was that he 'went to see his Doctor'. He left us for days and days, left us to try and control Torchwood, which none of us had the right experience to do. We managed though, luckily, me and Ianto, Owen and Tosh. But now they're gone too. Not just gone away for a while with no explanation, like Jack. They're gone. I can't even bring myself to believe it. It's not going to sink in. My three best friends, and the only people I could share _everything_with, gone forever, and I can't see them again.

It was bad enough when Owen and Tosh died. They died saving the world. They sacrificed themselves in order to save others, including us, and even writing it down now, my eyes fill up and I can't stop myself from crying. I cried for about a week when they passed away, because it was just so… unexpected.

And now Ianto.

For me, I find Ianto's death harder to cope with at the moment, mainly because it only happened last week, but also because he was just so shy, a dark horse, sneaking around to make cups of coffee and to clean up our mess. I never really realised how lovely he was. He was such an amazing man, and we all loved him to pieces by the end – especially Jack. I just wish he was alive for me to tell him that – that he _was_more than just our coffee boy. I miss them so much. Owen, Tosh, Ianto… I wish there was a way that I could just turn back time and save them, I really do. But it's happened, and there's nothing I can do… and that though depresses me.

Rhys is starting to get so worried about me. He keeps trying to make things better, telling me about our future with our new baby, his fantasies about a new home for the three of us (it still sounds weird saying three...). At the moment, though, nothing seems to make me feel even the slightest bit of positivity. I feel as if all I want to do is hide myself away in a dark room and not come out until the emptiness inside me wears away and I can start to feel like myself again.

The thought hasn't even dawned on my before today that I have nothing to do. I have no job. I can't go back to Torchwood when there's only me, can I? We haven't even got the Hub anymore – does Torchwood Three even exist any more? I would have answers if Jack was here, but he isn't, he's only thought about himself, yet again. He's probably gone off to see his precious Doctor again. Now that I have no job, and sitting at home with Rhys with nothing to do is going to be torture. I will have nothing to keep my occupied until the baby is born, which means the horrible, negative thoughts will eat away at my insides and push me deeper and deeper into my hole. I remember sitting down with Ianto a long time ago, when he'd just lost his girlfriend Lisa. How she died is a long story, which I haven't got the energy to write about. Anyway, I remember sitting down with Ianto, letting him pour out his feelings to me, and he told me that he feared being home alone in case the memories of Lisa in her dying moments buried him further and further into depression. I didn't really understand what he meant, then; I couldn't really imagine how he felt, but now I do know. I was extremely close to Owen and Tosh, Owen especially (maybe sometimes too close, but I'm trying to put that behind me), and I wish I could sit down with Ianto and talk to him about my feelings, the same way he did with me. But I can't now, can I? And I'll never be able to either. I can only tell Rhys, but I want to be able to tell someone who understands.

Someone like Jack.

Jack's just lost the person closest to his heart. Ianto was everything to him, and I think he did truly love him, even if he didn't want to admit it. He did, and now he's lost him. However, in a way, I think he must be used to it by now… his immortality must mean that he loses an awful lot of people close to him, and Ianto was just another… but still, he loved him to bits and now he's gone.

This has been a bit bloody depressing, hasn't it? That's all Torchwood amounted to in the end, endless death, destruction and depression.

Maybe it's a good thing it's over.


End file.
